so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
