I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
