Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
