i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
me + whiskey = a bad person
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
