Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
