Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
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