I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
