I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
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