HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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