I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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