Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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