I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
