please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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