The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
