I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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