just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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