Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
