Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Blood and glitter go together right?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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