Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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