Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
