her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
