Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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