hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
