Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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