Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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