I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
