Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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