If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
