Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
