I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize