I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
