i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
