I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I'm getting married
To pizza
My vagina is officially offended.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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