dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
