Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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