Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
