your parents love me but you hate me
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
