wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
