The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
