Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
