Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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