don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
