I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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