Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
