tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You don't make any sense
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