So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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