fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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