Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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