I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
