Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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