i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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