Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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