dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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