I haven't been this sober since birth.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
