I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
