I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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